Look at this crazy little baby of mine…
I was trying to get ready to head out the door in the morning (makeup, blow-dry my hair, choose an outfit, etc) and he was unpacking my entire bathroom for me. 🙂
We put some child protection locks on some of our cabinets, but there are just too many things in the house that he can open, so some cabinets and drawers are available to him. So my stuff is just constantly getting thrown out and about into the bathroom. Ha!
And I was watching him unpack my toiletries and thinking to myself, if anyone walked into this house in this moment they would have NO idea that I’ve identified as an incredibly organized person for most of my life.
The identity shift of motherhood…you know what I mean?
It starts early on…literally at that first moment when you see the two pink lines. But it grows slowly, slowly, slowly. And even 3+ years into this parenting game, I’m still finding myself confused by who I am.
After all, for most of my life, I had a really strong sense of identity in certain things.
I am independent.
I love a slow cup of coffee in the morning.
I am efficient.
I read a lot of books.
I am organized.
And now, I’d say that many (maybe all?) of these things are in question, every day. I often don’t even know who I am anymore. The things I used to love and the person I identified as are no longer available to me, and so I sense myself shifting on a daily basis. And even if I want to be that person, it’s just so hard that I’m not sure it’s worth the struggle.
After all, I could fight Dayton on destroying my bathroom and I could keep everything 100% organized (and some days I still try!), but it’s not always the best use of my energy. Even though it makes me feel the most…me.
What do we even do with this gradual but relentless identity shift that keeps creeping up on us? I’m not sure. If you know, tell me.
But here’s what I think: we keep living in the now and finding joy in our daily moments. We continue rediscovering ourselves, finding grace and love in the new current version of ourselves. And we find out that we can accept that we’re supposed to change, and it doesn’t mean anything bad at all. And we’re not “giving up” or “showing weakness” or “admitting defeat” by slowly changing who we are, but rather we’re growing stronger and more resilient and more beautiful in this motherhood journey.