This started as a veeeery long text I was about to send to my sisters. Then it got comically long (my sisters love me, but there’s no way they needed to read something that lengthy in the group chat 😉), and I thought, Wait…aren’t there a lot of other moms out there feeling this too? What if I just publish it as a blog post?
I had a rough few days followed by a breakdown. You might’ve seen on my personal Instagram that I took my two boys to Utah last week so we could visit family — my sister and her daughter, Milo and Dayton’s cousin — and so Nate could have four blissfully quiet days at home to get some work done.
It was packed with activity and fun. I’m always thankful for family time and making memories with these little cousins! As you can imagine, four days with three kids 5 & under, four pets, and two moms isn’t exactly restful, but it did produce some core memories. A two-hour flight delay on the way home had us pulling into Austin at midnight — happy, exhausted, and slightly feral.
Not sure how much I’ve shared about my current work/motherhood rhythm, but for the past five years I’ve been using a patchwork of part-time childcare to try and keep my career afloat while being mostly a full-time mom.
I knew I wanted a few solid weeks of focused work this summer to make progress on some projects I’m excited about, so I booked Natali (our wonderful and honestly angelic babysitter) for $1,000 to cover a full work week. (Side note: five years into motherhood and it’s still a bit of a mind trip that I have to pay money in order to work. Like…I get it. But also, what?) I planned to set up shop in our South Austin Airbnb for some deep, uninterrupted focus. PUMPED.
And then everything went sideways.
Our Airbnb got booked for the two long weekends I needed it. Our car was stuck in the shop for a side-view mirror repair. Our babysitter got sick and had to cancel a day. I had a last-minute specialist appointment for one of my sons (so important, but…bye, half-day of work).
And my energy levels? Not good, y’all. One of my boys has been waking me up at 3 AM for an entire year. He falls back asleep for the rest of the night, and I…don’t. I’m a puddle of exhaustion by 8 AM, functioning in zombie-mode with a smile glued on. Trying to be a calm and patient mom to my boys but also my body is like, “I am wrecked, please let me sleep.”
My default response in times like this? “THAT’S IT. I’M GIVING UP MY CAREER. THIS IS POINTLESS.” (Cue dramatic arm flail.) Then I remind myself — no. I’m allowed to have a life outside of motherhood. I’m allowed to have a career and make money. And my kids will benefit from seeing their mom pursue something she loves.
Ok, but those words I just shared above? They are SUCH BULLSHIT and honestly just an overused instagram caption when you’re truly in the middle of the battle. Because realistically? The concept that “my kids will benefit from seeing their mom pursue something she loves” feels like a pipe dream. When I’m needed 24/7 and barely keeping the train on the tracks, the idea of having a meaningful creative career feels…laughable.
The actual melt-down
Alright, this is what you’re actually here to read, right? 😉
Mid-week was especially brutal. I’d been up since 4 AM after a popsicle request (?!). He fell back asleep. I didn’t. By morning, my body was like “absolutely not” (probably because I was averaging five hours of sleep). I tried to sneak a moment alone to cry in the shower, locked the bathroom door — and, of course, was met with immediate pounding: “MOMMY OPEN THE DOOR!” I walked out, dripping wet, unlocked the door, and just started crying.
(Things I miss: taking a shower without the entire damn family needing something from me. Why do dads get peaceful showers and moms get a whole party in the bathroom??)
I won’t share all the screaming and tears and chaos that happened later in the day — it got ugly. I’ll just say it ended with one of my kids vomiting all over the car, my phone, and me…and Nate texting to say he booked me a hotel room for the night because, “you clearly need a break.”
So yeah…can you see how that was way too long for a group text? 😉
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: trying to have a creative career while mothering young kids is hard. There’s no set 9-5. No steady paycheck unless you make things happen.
There are so many moms on social media who seem to be doing it all gracefully. And maybe they are. But maybe — probably — we’re all struggling this much.
Some days it feels completely ridiculous to think I can be a calm, present mom and build a career as a creator and writer and land partnerships and do all the things.
Some days I want to throw in the towel and burn it all down.
Some days I want to enroll my kids in full-time daycare so I can sit in silence and just…work.
And honestly, none of those choices are bad. There’s a version of life where I go full-time into motherhood and close every income portal. There’s a version where I go all-in on career and hire full-time childcare. Neither path is wrong.
But in my gut? Neither one feels fully me.
I want to spend a lot of time with my boys while they’re little. It feels right. I also want to keep my career alive and make money and be creative. That feels right, too. I LOVE goals and ambition — it’s one of the most honest parts of me. Without it, I wouldn’t be Kelsey Kennedy.
SPOILER: There is no recap
So yeah…that’s how a quick little sisters’ group text turned into a full-blown memoir.
If you’re also a mom trying to pursue big dreams while wiping butts, answering snack requests, and attempting to shower alone (LOL), just know: you’re not crazy. It really is this hard.
I don’t have a tidy bow to wrap this all up. I’m still figuring it out — the rhythm, the balance, the logistics, the emotional rollercoaster of wanting both snuggly kid time and deep work time. But if you’re feeling it too, hi. You’re my people.
💌 If this post made you laugh, cry, or nod aggressively in solidarity, leave a comment or share it with a mom who gets it. Or just send it to your sisters instead of writing your own novel. I got you.
I feel this all so deeply! Especially the showering part lol. Thanks for being so honest and telling us what’s going on. I’m not an entrepreneur but I still sometimes feel like it’s too hard and not worth it to try to keep my career going while I’m a young mom.
I get it! It’s hard to ride the fine line of discussing how difficult it all is while not wallowing in self-pity or becoming someone who wants to complain all the time. But yeah – some days it feels impossibly hard, and I just felt compelled to publish this post.
Kelsey, as a mom to three grown adult sons I will tell you that I remember those days very well and you are truly in the thick of it! You are in the hardest stretch right now and it gets easier!! Blessings. I always enjoy your writing.
Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m making parenting harder for myself than it needs to be, or maybe I’m just not handling it as well as I should be. I ask myself “why is this so hard? Is it just me? It must just be me” and basically gaslight myself into thinking I just need to try harder and be better, and then maybe things will get easier. But no matter what, it really is just hard, right? Thank you for sharing this and affirming that it’s not just me or something I’ve made up in my mind. It’s actually just hard! Joyful and full of love, but so freaking challenging at times.
THANK YOU for saying this, Anna! Yes, totally. I would bet that every mom has done this and started to gaslight herself into believing she just need to “try harder to enjoy it” or “schedule things better” or whatever other nonsense we’re being fed. At the end of the day, there’s a big exhale when we can collectively yell out loud and admit that it’s so freaking challenging.
Not a working mom, but I have a three year old at home and a former 25 weeker in the NICU and we have been going back and forth from the hospital every day for almost four months now…I feel so torn bc I can’t be there for both of my babies and rarely get a minute to myself. It’s SO hard and on top of everything I’m still healing from trauma after trauma being piled on over the past fourteen months.
I’m so sorry Liz. That sounds like it’s taking absolutely everything you have to give right now.
I’m on the back side of this with two boys ages 19 and 17. I did every iteration of work you can think of—from crazily full time as a lawyer to a part time lawyer, to in house counsel role that was less than full time lawyering but more than part-time. No matter what I did, I still had mom guilt in some way. I eventually became a stay at home mom when my kids were in elementary school and for our family that was perfect. However, once your kids get to high school they need you a lot less. I didn’t love my career so it wasn’t hard for me to leave it. Now, though? I wish I had found something I did really love like you have because I feel like I should start over at age 52 which is very difficult.
To me as an objective observer and long time reader, it seems like you love what you’re doing and you’re great at it, but you need some additional childcare or you’re gonna burn out. Even if you stayed home with them you’d always think you should be doing more – so you should keep your job you’ve worked so hard to build and add like 10-15 more hours of childcare each week. That’s still a lot of parenting and work and none of it is easy! Good luck, I love your page!
Thank you for your kind comment, Mary!
Balance is a myth. Sometimes you need to be a mom more and sometimes you need to be the other parts of you more. It’s a seesaw and that’s ok. It’s really really hard. Even when they’re not under 5 anymore. Keep your chin up, and cry in the shower when you can.
“Balance is a myth.” Feeling this more and more the further I get into motherhood!