I’ve Been Married For 9 Years…Here’s What It Feels Like
Hi y’all! This is my longest-running annual feature (can we call it a feature? unknown.) on So Much Life and I looooove going back and reading those early years of marriage posts. I mean….cute.
Can I just tell you what 9 years of marriage feels like, though?
*Side note: I always worry when I’m talking about marriage now, nearly a decade in, that if I say sincerely what it’s actually like it will disappoint anyone who’s in a new/hot/steamy relationship. I worry that I’ll start to sound like that woman who’s been with her partner for sooooo long and she’s like, “oh, love isn’t about the romance, it’s about the dependability and trust” and I’ll just make all of the newly-married folks feel so disappointed. Haha. And that’s not what I’m trying to do at all.
Because it IS about the romance! And it is about good ‘ol Hollywood l-o-v-e and sparks. But I guess what I want to say is that as I’m in a relationship each year after year, my paradigm gradually shifts and I value things differently. So it’s also very much about the dependability and trust and letting each other chase crazy hobbies and deciding we don’t need to always hang out together every single evening after the kids are finally in bed. And maybe that’s just how life works.
I’m rambling, so may I please use a bullet point list? Good? Ok.
~ Our relationship thrives at year 9 because we really respect one another.
That probably wouldn’t sound very sexy or exciting to myself at the 1-year anniversary mark, but it’s just the truth. Nate and I have very different hobbies and passions, and we’re ok with that…but it means we have to give one another lots of support and time and love to be able to chase those things. And I think that it helps our relationship that we each follow different passions.
~ When you bring kids into a marriage, the marriage changes.
It has to. That’s why it’s often so hard to separate “how is my marriage going” from “how is my parenting going” because they’re incredibly interconnected. I also think that’s why the start of motherhood can feel like a bit of a grieving process, because you’re not only morphing into a new role (mom) but you’re also saying goodbye to the marriage you had and creating a new one. It took me many years to fully understand this concept and I kind of thought it was a “oh, just get over this hard stretch with the kids and things will go back to how they were” but the reality is that our marriage is just really different from how it was in 2017, 2018, and 2019. Not in a bad way. Just different.
~ I said this last year too, but we are still sooooo good together and have so much fun as a couple.
Whenever Nate and I get to go off on a trip together and unplug from everything and just enjoy spending time together, we’re always like, “oh, there you are!” Life gets really murky at year 9, y’all. It’s full of so. much. stuff. And that’s also not a bad thing, because we love the businesses and hobbies and parenting and finances and everything else that fills up a life. But it makes it hard to just focus on enjoying life together. That’s why those weekend trips away and dedicated date nights are so important. Which brings me to…
Bi-monthly date night is a must.
(Ok, now it just sounds like I’m writing out marriage advice. Which I’m not… Ok but maybe I am writing it out to an earlier version of myself.) The only way we make this work is by hiring a babysitter for the entire semester and saying “we need you to babysit every other ____ (day of the week) at ____ (time) for the entire semester.” And then we have date night on the calendar for the next 4-5 months. When we don’t do this, it’s just way too easy to skip date night and let life get in the way. We don’t always plan a fancy night out or a new restaurant. In fact, some of my favorite date nights recently have been going to places we love but we rarely get to visit without kids (like Meanwhile or ABGB.) It’s totally different to go to a brewery without kids! We order a flight, actually taste our beer, sit in the comfy adirondack chairs instead of circling around the playground. It’s seriously such a treat to just get to sit at a brewery and talk.
Ok, anything else I want to say about what marriage feels like 9 years in? Hmmm.. I guess that I’m really thankful that it’s him. We’ve both changed a lot in the last 9 years, but like I said before, there’s room in our marriage for us each to follow our own passions and hobbies. Nate will never compete in an Ironman (I mean, his car crash injury wouldn’t let him even if he wanted to, but I can also confidently say that Nate has never had the desire to start the triathlon hobby…) and I will never start brewing beer or roasting coffee. (I’m happy to be a consumer, though!)
And I really like that we’re different people and I like all of the differences in our personalities.
Marriage feels really happy right now. 🙂
Our 9 year anniversary (today!) is on a Wednesday, so we’re waiting to celebrate until the weekend when we can go out to our all-time favorite Austin restaurant. Can’t wait for that cacio e pepe (you know the spot I’m talking about, right?!)